My story of life with God and anxiety
Bronwen Thomas
WHEN I WAS EIGHT
In retrospect I’ve always had anxiety. I remember having my first anxiety attack when I was eight. There was something happening at school and I remember thinking I shouldn’t be feeling this worried and scared. My anxiety peaked in high school when I had to do tests. I would be standing outside of the classroom and I could remember what I had studied but as soon as I sat down and the paper was in front of me it all vanished. It was incredibly frustrating. I was actually tested a lot on my abilities at school because we couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t doing well in tests but I was doing ok in class. In retrospect it’s pretty clear why. My anxiety would take over in a test/exam environment. I didn’t know at the time that it was anxiety. I actually didn’t really know what anxiety was. It wasn’t until I finished university that I realised what anxiety was and that it was a problem in my life.
In 2018 I had just finished doing my music degree and I went back to work in a job I hated. I went into a deep spiral and I could barely get through a day without having an anxiety attack. Actually in late January of 2018 I had what I call a blank out. It happened while I was playing a card game with my family and someone asked me a question and I just went completely blank. It was like everything in my brain just shut down and I couldn’t grab on to anything. I was breathing but that was all I could do. I was screaming internally just trying to hang on to something. That was the scariest moment of my life. I got up from the table and went straight to my room and cried. It took probably 30 minutes for everything to come back. I didn’t understand why that happened but somewhere in the back of my head I knew it was anxiety. Things got worse that year and that’s when I went into a deep spiral that I couldn’t find my way out of.
I thought back to when I was eight and the first thing I thought of to do even then was talk to God. Every time I had an anxiety attack I would pray to God just to know He was there. I would ask Him why this was happening to me. He didn’t answer the question directly but I would feel His presence and that was enough. All I needed was to know that someone cared, that someone knew what I was going through and that they could hold my hand through it.
Most people in my life didn’t understand what was happening. They knew there was something wrong and something not working but they thought it was just intellectual. I come from a family of very smart people and I’m the youngest so it was really hard to watch my siblings always be better at everything than me. I knew when I was really young that I was very different to them and I was never going to be able to get to their level. It didn’t make school any easier and when your teachers don’t understand you and don’t understand why you’re not like your sister or your brothers it’s really hard and certainly doesn’t help with anxiety.
When I look back at everything now, I know that all the struggles I had in school was because of anxiety but I didn’t know that then. I’ve also had people say to me now that they knew that was why I couldn’t do those things. I say to them, “Well why didn’t you tell me?” Really they probably didn’t really know or not fully and maybe they did try to tell me but I didn’t hear them. I think you have to come to your own understanding or you won’t believe it.
Now there is a greater understanding of anxiety disorder. People accept that it is a real thing and it isn’t something that can just go away. It is widely accepted which means that more and more people can come out and say they have an anxiety disorder without feeling like they are going to be judged. There’s also a greater understanding that there are different levels to an anxiety disorder and just like everything else people are different and there is no one solution that fits every person.
In about August of 2018 I felt God say to me, “You need to get out of this.” He had to say it to me a few times before I really listened. I felt this overwhelming need to listen to worship music and as soon as I did I was able to forget about what was giving me anxiety and start thinking about God instead. I wouldn’t have survived without God. He took my hand and pulled me out of my spiral and He’s still doing it to this day. I know God will be there to take my hand for the rest of my life.
Matthew 6:33 is a verse that basically became my family’s motto. It says, “But seek first the kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” I think about this verse every day. When I’m having an anxiety attack or a panic attack I try to remember to seek Him first. It’s not just about seeking Him first in work, in family, or in your hobbies. It’s about seeking Him first in everything, including anxiety. If I didn’t seek Him first I wouldn’t have quit my job and I wouldn’t have started doing comedy improv. I wouldn’t have gone for the things that He has for me.
A few years ago I started walking down at the beach at sunrise. At the time I didn’t really have a reason to except to get some exercise but it started to become a way for me to relieve my anxiety. When you get into nature you can see very clearly God’s incredible power. It changes my perspective on life because I’m not encased in a room, which is what life can feel like. I’m actually able to let my feelings and anxiety out when I’m out there. It really changes my perspective on who I am and my purpose. It changes my perspective on my anxiety. I live in this amazing world that God created and He put me here for a reason and it really becomes prevalent when I’m out there and can see it for myself. When I’m not condensing myself down into one small space I can see the vast expanse of God.
Video: Bronwen Thomas & Adrian Thornton
Video Soundtrack: Field Grass by SergePavkinMusic
Words: Bronwen Thomas
Photography: Adrian Thornton